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(Post 26 of 33 in my 16-hour shift for the Secular Student Alliance Blogathon.)

8:30 pm EDT

Q: I would like to know a Humanist version of the formerly comforting idea of “god doesn’t give us more than we can handle”. I have seem to hit a streak of challenging circumstances and am having trouble finding comfort in the thought that “everything is random and we have little to no control over what happens in our lives”. Any good Humanist ideas for getting someone though a tough spot and back into a positive mentality?

A: I’m so sorry to hear about your challenging circumstances. I can’t offer a humanist alternative to “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle,” and good riddance to it. It’s a shameful lie, and you don’t need that. those who died at Auschwitz were given more than they could handle, and people every day, all around the world, suffer the same fate.

Fortunately “everything is random and we have little to no control over what happens in our lives” is also untrue. the history of humanity, especially in the 400 years since the Scientific Revolution, has been a gradual recognition that the world is neither divinely controlled nor is it random, and that mastering the patterns and gathering our resources around us can provide a greater sense of comfort, control, and satisfaction than passively hoping for God’s protection ever did.

The humanist response is to turn to other humans. all the support, protection, and encouragement we’ve ever had, including all that was credited to God all these years, has come from ourselves, especially the people around you who love and care for you. Don’t be afraid to ask.

Attachment parenting (often known as AP) has received a lot of attention in the wake of May 2012 article in Time Magazine, which featured a controversial cover shot of a 4-year old breastfeeding. Lots of people have seen the cover, but many less have read the articles in the magazine related to attachment parenting, leaving the impression that AP is simply extended breastfeeding, which is untrue. so what exactly is attachment parenting?First of all, there

He gets guys to croon “Itsy Bitsy Spider,” moms to open up about hormonal rollercoasters and kids to put away their toys.

He started a support group of sorts for stay-at-home dads, a rock band that sings about the twists-and-turns of parenting — and a backlash against lavish kid birthday parties that went international.

This week, Todd Kolod wrapped up a career of nearly three decades in St. Paul’s early childhood and family education program. The soft-spoken, self-effacing 56-year-old is a bona fide celebrity among the program’s graduates.

He’s known for his guitar, the pioneering dads-only classes he launched at the Rondo Education Center and his frankness. That extends to his own turbulent childhood, which has fueled his on-the-job longevity.

“The most significant thing Todd does is provide candor,” said Geoff Haas, who credits Kolod with helping him embrace a new identity as a stay-at-home father. “The job of parenting is hard, and it doesn’t always go perfectly.”

One morning this week, Kolod serenaded parents and toddlers with his guitar as they trickled in for an early morning Rondo class and settled into a circle. then, he led them in a rendition of “Over the Rainbow.” On his wall was an all-time favorite playlist mixing “Twinkle, Twinkle” and Bob Dylan.

The whiteboard featured an obituary for classroom guinea pig Ethel and a plea to nurse its heartbroken pal Bertha with extra helpings of parsley. Tending to the classroom menagerie of guinea pigs, Russian tortoises and fish has eased separation anxiety for many of Kolod’s students.

Parents say Kolod has a knack for setting both grownups and kids at ease. with adults, it helps that he’s the first to fess up to parenting slipups and anxieties; he often says he got a “do-over” with his younger son, now 15.

“Nobody wants to hear about how you have the perfect child,” Kolod said. “That only makes them want to punch you.”

He proceeds to encourage fellow parents to learn to say no, stop fretting over fussy eaters and take their kids on little adventures, such as the flashlight-lit pajama walks around the block that one of his dads swears by.

As the rare male teacher in early childhood programs, Kolod says, he’s had to work extra hard to win over youngsters and melt separation anxiety.

A big believer in home visits, Kolod once crouched on Chrissy Snider’s floor and played with her child’s toys, which would soon come to include a toy guitar for playing Kolod’s songs at home.

Kids in his classes have brought home cassette tapes with songs featuring their names in the lyrics. They’ve found messages on their home answering machines: “This is Teacher Todd. I can’t wait to see you on Monday.”

“I’ve never met a teacher who is so good with both parents and kids,” Snider said. “He truly is a peacemaker.”

In the late 1990s, Kolod set out to get dads more involved with the ECFE program. First, at the now-defunct Frogtown site, he launched a class especially for fathers who had lost custody of their children. The weekly “outings and adventures” Kolod organized were for many of them the only time they got to spend with their kids.

When he moved to Rondo in 1999, he reshaped the weekly open gym night for dads into more of a traditional parenting class.

“He was definitely a pioneer in that area,” said bill Doherty, a family social science professor at the University of Minnesota. “Parent education at the time was mostly mother education.”

Kolod says painful memories from his childhood have long guided that work. It’s a story he often shares with parents: His parents divorced when he was 11, and his mom revealed his biological dad had drowned when Kolod was 3. in the following years, marred by homelessness and his mom’s descent into drug abuse, he yearned to learn more about the father he had lost.

“What motivates me is my own lack of a father growing up, my hunger for a father figure,” he said. “It’s no coincidence I work with 3-year-olds.”

Dads say Kolod’s classes create a rare safe haven to talk anything from diaper changes to relationship issues to the lingering bias stay-at-home dads face — but not before warming up with some songs.

“I don’t call up my buddies and talk to them about parenting issues I’m having,” said Paul Archambeau, who dubs the classes “dad therapy.” “But we all know we can speak freely in class.”

In 2002, Kolod started a band with several dads and a mom from his classes. Called Daddy-Doo, after his younger son’s nickname for him, the group put out five albums with parenting anthems such as “Cool Heads Prevail” and “Six under Six” before disbanding in 2009.

In 2007, a mother aired her frustration in Kolod’s class with ever fancier birthday parties for kids. He promptly enlisted her and Doherty to start Birthdays without Pressure, an initiative to advocate a return to simpler, less splashy days.

A website the group created got more than 1 million hits; the Wall Street Journal and USA Today wrote about it, and inquiries came from news outlets in places as far-flung as Australia and the Philippines.

In his retirement, Kolod hopes to find more of those community engagement projects to work on. He also plans to spend more time on an exercise he started with parents in his classes: brainstorming ways to tackle behavior issues at 90-minute coffee sessions.

“Todd has this picture of a larger world we live in,” said Doherty, “and he helps parents make those connections.”

Mila Koumpilova can be reached at 651-228-2171. Follow her at twitter.com/MilaPiPress.

Facts: The parties divorced after 16 years of marriage. they entered an agreed parenting plan that designated Mother as the primary residential parent and established nearly equal parenting time. Notably, the parenting plan failed to establish child support because the parties agreed that no support would be owed until two properties were sold. Both parties filed various post-divorce motions, including Mother’s motion to relocate and modify the parenting plan after her remarriage to a Maryland resident. After a trial, the trial court denied Wife’s motion to relocate, modified the parenting plan to change custody to Father, and established child support. Mother appealed.

On Appeal: The Court of Appeals affirmed the trial court.

Relocation. At the time of trial, the parties were spending essentially equal amounts of time with the children. thus, the operative statute is Tennessee Code Annotated § 36-6-108(c), which provides that the the children’s best interest will be the controlling consideration. After examining the record, the Court concluded:

The children had lived their whole lives in Tennessee and had a stable support system of relatives in the Crossville area. they have no ties to the State of Maryland and barely knew [Mother's] new husband and his family. Upon the trial court interviewing the children in camera, they expressed their desire to remain in Tennessee. The evidence of record supports a finding that this unanticipated move to another state would affect the “well-being [of the children] in a meaningful way. . . .” [W]e find that a preponderance of the evidence supports the trial court’s determination that the best interest of the children was served by denying [Mother] the right to relocate the children. The trial court did not err in its application of the parental relocation statute.

Child Support. The parties’ agreed that child support would not be owed until certain properties were sold. Mother complained that they had agreed to auction the properties if they had not sold within six months and that Father was dragging his feet disposing of the properties.

Tennessee Code Annotated § 36-6-404(a) provides that every final decree for divorce involving a minor child must incorporate a permanent parenting plan. in addition, Tennessee Code Annotated § 36-5-101(j) provides that any agreement on child support must be affirmed, ratified, and incorporated into the divorce decree. This statute contemplates that the child support agreement will be: (1) written, (2) approved by the court, (3) incorporated into a court order, and (4) contain an acknowledgment by the parties that they may not alter the agreement without court approval. However, a child’s right to support cannot be bargained away by a parent to the child’s detriment. For example, a marital dissolution agreement providing that a parent “waives any and all child support payments which would be due and owing” was determined to be void as against public policy. Similarly, an agreement that one parent would not seek child support if the other would not seek alimony has been declared void. In another case, the Court refused to enforce an agreed order that stated, “Due to the parties current economic situation, child support shall not be ordered and the state guidelines shall not apply.”

The Court found an analogous case where it had previously held:

The divorce decree stated that it incorporated a “permanent parenting plan,” but by the parenting plan’s own terms, it would not “commence” until the occurrence of a future event. in effect, then, there was no permanent parenting plan in existence for over three years following the divorce. . . . we find that the provisions of the divorce decree provided for a “permanent parenting plan” that was not effective, and allowing Father to avoid his child support obligation indefinitely, are void.

Relying on the above-cited opinion and statutes, the Court held the parenting plan in this case was not a final judgment. The Court held that the trial court’s error was rectified, however, “now that the trial court has granted [Mother] credit for the back child support to which she was entitled and entered a child support award accompanied by the required paperwork . . . .”

Accordingly, the trial court was affirmed.

Brown v. Brown (Tennessee Court of Appeals, Eastern Section, April 13, 2012).

Information provided by K.O. Herston: Knoxville, Tennessee Matrimonial, Divorce and Family Law Attorney.

America got together this week on the national playground to talk mommies, breastfeeding, and good parenting. Time and their cover model-mom, Jamie Lynne Grumet, made sure of that, as the pretty, hand-on-her-hip mom looked out from supermarket magazine aisles, her near-4-year-old son standing on a chair, attached to her breast with his mouth, while Time asked, “Are you mom enough?”

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The peculiar intimacy portrayed, the size of the child, and questions about whose needs are really being met in the Grumet family set off a fervent debate in a country that ranks 36th among industrialized nations when it comes to breast-feeding, and where “normal” parenting is hard to define because of America’s cultural diversity.

Is this good? Some say the picture helps to normalize breast-feeding and the idea of “attachment parenting,” which means extended breast-feeding, co-sleeping, and refraining from using the word “no,” ideas espoused by best-selling parenting book author William Sears, whom Time suggests “remade motherhood.” (The philosophical underpinnings of attachment parenting actually date back to the 1950s.)

Is it bad? Some say the picture itself, more than the idea of what some would call over-attentive parenting, is an example of parenting gone badly wrong. “This is self-centeredness at its worst, sold as good parenting,” writes Keith Ablow, a psychiatrist, on Fox News.

In an era of helicopter parents and delayed nest-jumping, these are all debatable points. But the core of debate over the provocative picture is fueled by the extent to which American moms and dads are ready and willing to debate their own basic parental insecurities: Am I doing this right? how do I know?

“Part of the issue here is, she can do whatever she wants, there’s no abuse going on,” says Joani Geltman, a child development expert in Cambridge, Mass. “It’s a way for people to look at their own values and their own belief systems, which I think is what a good magazine article does. it gets you to look at your own life and your own family, and your own children and ask, why wouldn’t I do this? What’s my belief system that I wouldn’t do this?”

To be sure, what Ms. Geltman calls the photo’s “icky” quality suggests that America as a whole may not be totally comfortable with so-called “child-led weaning” espoused by Sears. according to an unscientific online poll by MSNBC, 73 percent of respondents said they would rather not see those kinds of images.

One mom who took part in the Time photo shoot said the confrontational nature of the photograph and the headline may actually serve to inflame middle-class “mommy wars.”

Proselytizing child-led weaning, co-sleeping, and gentle admonitioning for bad behavior is not the intent, writes Dionna Ford, one of the Time moms, in a blog on the Huffington Post. “Why does my [4-year-old] son still nurse?” she writes “He nurses because I am his warm, safe place. This is what works for us. you may do things differently. Neither of us is more extreme or better than the other.”

Sometimes parenting can appear to be a never ending contest because there always seems to be something to take care of. Managing your youngsters on a daily basis can become humdrum, but every once in awhile traveling is necessary and other elements come into play. when it comes to family matters, you are the one your kids have confidence in to make sure everything works out. Any time there are little things that come up; you the parent have the good fortune to take care of it. It is nearly impossible to prepare for everything, it is quite normal for some sort of forgotten item or circumstance. obviously, you might consider this to be the situation you did not see coming, hence ‘never a dull moment’.

There aren’t many things that can give you as much joy as hearing your own children laughing. you may not have full custody of your children if you’re a single father. So, with the time you have you should make the most of it with your children. If you do have full custody, then we will still make the same statement. you shouldn’t be scared of showing your sense of humor to your children. Even the serious folk out there have some kind of sense of humor. So when it feels like everything in life is going wrong you should try and find the humorous side of things. Learn to laugh with your children, when appropriate, and lessen the stress of your life and the lives of your family. Flying with babies needs a little advanced planning these days. for infants younger than two you have the option of buying a seat or holding the child in your lap. Keep in mind that this is one of the “perks” that may be curtailed in the future. the fact remains that it’s quite possible your baby will share your seat for most, if not all of the flight. It’s possible to use the airline blankets that are provided for anyone on the flight. however, we never liked to do that simply because it was our baby, and we did not want to use a blanket that others used, etc. So be sure to take a few extra blankets with you to put on your lap.

Do not ever avoid a good moment to have some fun with your children. Yes, dads, we are talking to you! when your kids are young, your years are numbered, as far as doing funny and amusing things with them. once they become teens they will just roll their eyes at you because you are making them self-conscious. Engaging in this kind of behavior with your children shows them so much about you. plus, this will show them that you love them, accept them and want to be with them. All of those feelings will be experienced in your children, and it will do wonders for their self esteem.

Being a single, parenting father can be a very rewarding experience that will offer you a great opportunity for personal growth. we would certainly suggest that you do some more research on the kinds of problems single parenting fathers face, as it will definitely help you to be more successful.

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Personally, whether or not a woman breastfeeds is nobody’s business. I was bottle-fed from birth and I have come out perfectly healthy and intelligent. I think everyone just needs to tend to their own children, and keep their opinions to themselves.

Your pictures are priceless. Thanks for sharing photos of your precious Elliotte with us.

Marla, you obviously are mom enough, whether you were able to continue breast feeding or not. you love your child, and would do anything for her, that’s the best kind of mom there is.

As if it’s anyone’s business how you are feeding your child! I wholeheartedly agree with you, Marla! when did society deem it appropriate to ever ask a mother if and when she breastfeeds. Wow…and a male asking it! Incredible!

You know, a friend said something to me the other day! If you constantly ask yourself, “am I being a good mom…,” then the answer is YES, you are! If you weren’t a good mom, you wouldn’t care!

You are fabulous and it really is no one’s business whether or not you are breastfeeding or bottle feeding. I try to be classy and just walk away from those comments and not be confrontational. I just choose to exercise tact and try to avoid the whole thing, but when the issue keeps getting pressed, I just say, “Ya know, my daughter is lactose intolerant, so breast feeding is just out of the question!” Because what are they going to say to that!

But, you and your daughter are beautiful and you are doing a fabulous job! If you weren’t, she wouldn’t always be smiling!!!

Thank you so much Marla for speaking publicly from “the other side”. Breastfeeding has become such a hot button issue lately and I have felt so frustrated over the lack of sensitivity by some who use terms like “selfish” or “ignorant” to describe those who bottle feed for whatever reason.

My son is 10 weeks old and we are combo feeding- 1/3 formula, and 2/3 breast, mostly because I have a two year old daughter and felt that I couldn’t keep up with the constant feedings while trying to nurture and care for her as well. The reaction that you described when someone asked if you were breastfeeding is exactly how I have felt on some occasions and it makes me mad that my “mommy confidence” wavers when challenged with this question as well.

I agree that being a parent is more competitive than ever and anyone who has ever been a mom knows that this kind of pressure is really the last thing you need when caring for a newborn or an infant. Mayim Bialik said something like (not a direct quote) “save the judgement for parents who beat or neglect their children” in defense of her style of parenting and I really think this should apply to all moms from attachment parents to bottle feeding and working moms. We need to be more supportive of each other.

Thank you again for addressing this issue. You’re doing a great job and your daughter is beautiful!

Fantastic blog! Parenting is not a competition and I personally think that so-called “Mom-shaming” is crazy. whatever happened to support? Different things work for different families.

Elliotte is adorable; I love her little comb-over! beautiful baby girl.

Asking a new mom whether she is breastfeeding at a social function is not okay unless you are a new mom yourself and struggling with breastfeeding and looking for advice, support, or something else like that and you ask the question where the context of your question is looking for advice, support, etc.

Parents can be competitive with each other and I think part of that comes from how competitive everything has become compared to years past. Marla is right when she talks about the fear inducing Internet, reading the Internet can make a parent very insecure about their child’s development.

But I think when parents ask other parents about the development of their kids it’s to reassure themselves that their child is developing fine but gets misinterpreted as parental competition.

Love the pictures. She’s so darling.

Breast-feeding is not possible / not an option for everyone. It is a blessing that alternatives exists so that our children are still fed and thrive. A healthy child is all that matters. Chin up!

@blessedwithboys Why does it matter? Marla has said that she has faced problems with breastfeeding and it’s been hard on her, so why the need to bring it up? It’s not anyone else’s business.

Marla~ your daughter is gorgeous. I’m the mom of an 11 month old and I truly miss those “little baby” days. I’m about the same age as you and have been a fan since your full house days.

As for the man asking you about your feeding techniques- soooo not okay!! It’s funny, I’m still nursing and I get the same reaction when people ask why I’m still breastfeeding. I used to be embarrassed but I realized who gives a crap? how and what I do to take care of my son is mine and my husband’s business.

I hate the whole competition of parenting these days too!! when did it get so nasty? Even reading the blogs on this site is getting a little out of hand. so I say do what you need to do for you and Eliotte and be proud of the momma you are!!

I loved my girls as new babies, but they were even more fun every month as they grew and learned new things, so enjoy every step! her ears are beyond precious…like a little happy elf!

As for people being negative…I get that on this site people want to debate everything, but in real life I haven’t been met with too much of that. My mom friends and I talk about everything-ways of feeding, ways of sleeping, ways of attaching, and maybe I’m naive but it seems to be more in a trying-to-figure-it-out kind of way. not in a my-way-is-better, but figuring it all out and wanting what we deem as best for our kids. If we’re reading and thinking and asking questions, well, it’s because we’re all good moms.

If that’s not how your friends are, if it seems like it’s all competition, maybe you could find some new ones. We all need a little grace when it comes to loving our little ones the best way we can! Blessings to you and your sweet Elliotte as you figure out what works!

I didn’t comment on your previous blog, but as another mom who struggled with low supply and who formula fed/supplemented all 3 of my kids (including my current 4 month old), let me tell you that my breastfeeding struggles (pumping, herbs, visits with LC etc), guilt etc, still haunt me to this day.

It doesn’t bother me now, but as a first time mom, it made for a really dark newborn period and I’m sorry I didn’t enjoy my newborn more rather than obsess about how I was feeding him. The “are you breastfeeding?” question always seemed to come with an implicit judgement that I wasn’t doing the best for my baby. And like you, I always felt I had to explain WHY I wasn’t, when really, it shouldn’t matter why.

Feed your baby however you need to, and do it confidently so it doesn’t invite questions!

I also agree with you about the magazine cover. The title is there to sell magazines, but it is annoying because it encourages “mommy wars”, when in reality, most if not all of us are just trying to do the best we can.

Congrats on your lovely baby

Here’s the thing about parenting. Even the most confident, assured, accomplished woman in the world worries about what kind of parent she will be. We think we can study for child rearing like we do an exam or prepare like we do for a big presentation–then when reality sets in, we panic. There’s no hard and fast recipe for perfect parents, and that makes us all a little insecure.

Just like grade school bullies, I think moms criticize one another to reassure ourselves that they themselves are making the right choices, or that we are emphasizing one “Textbook” thing we do well to compensate for our weaknesses. ie, one mom prides herself on breastfeeding and cosleeping, and criticizes bottle feeders, while secretly feeling like she lets her kids watch tv or she doesn’t enjoy playing with them enough.

I’ve done this myself until I learned something. ALL kinds of women make good mothers, but we are all DIFFERENT types of mothers with different strengths and weaknesses. If your kid is happy, healthy, safe, and loved–you win! And sometimes you have to remember that and give the snooty mom at the park the metaphorical finger.

I’ve never left a comment before, but I felt compelled to say THANK YOU Marla for being so honest and transparent about your breastfeeding issues. I’m 37 weeks pregnant with baby #2 and I had so much trouble (and guilt) about my struggles with breastfeeding. I ended up with double mastitis and lots of miserable antibiotics and felt like I was somehow a failure.

Thank you for your courage in showing others that breastfeeding isn’t easy for everyone and it doesn’t make us lesser parents. Congrats on your beautiful baby!

I love reading your blogs and your daughter is adorable!! you are truly blessed.

I can so relate to your breastfeeding struggles. I just automatically thought it would come easy but it did not. I was under so much stress and pressure and was so hard on myself. Then I felt such judgement from other parents who would ask questions like the one you were asked at the BBQ. I too felt the need to justify myself with a long drawn-out story.

My daughter is the most beautiful, happy and healthy 2 1/2 year old and I love her more than anything in the world. you have so much to look forward to! Thank you for sharing with us!

One of my best friends just had a baby and struggled with breastfeeding and I was so glad that I was able to help her through it. We as women need to support each other, I wish someone would have told me not to beat myself up because I couldn’t breastfeed my child.

Yes, Marla you are right. too many moms view parenthood as getting to sit at the cool table at lunch or being on every page of the yearbook. Since I am a mom to 3 older children, 16, 12 and 9, and since I am only 36, I had a lot of unwanted comments and judgments about my ability to be a good mother.

16 years ago breastfeeding, vaccinations and organic food wasn’t the buzz topic it is today. Generally there were two camps- the natural moms (breastfeeding, natural childbirth, cloth diapers, etc) and the convenience moms (epidural, disposable everything, etc). The good thing though was most moms didn’t fit in just one category across the board, so I picked a little from each and found my way through the early years of parenthood.

Also I had the benefit of older siblings who had very different pregnancies, deliveries and parenting styles. Their children are now 20 and 18- they each had a boy 20 years ago and a girl 18 years ago, so that made comparing really easy- and have all grown into wonderful adults. The breastfed two and the formula fed two are all doing the same things- working and attending college full-time. The ones that got spankings and the ones that got time outs are all well adjusted adults. The ones who went to church every week and the ones raised atheist are finding their way in world that doesn’t always make sense. With my three I found I had to stop setting up play dates with friends that were competitive.

Also, I only take advice from moms with at least 3 kids AND whose kids are ones I would like to have….so that’s not that many. good luck to you and remember to trust your OWN instincts about YOUR baby!

Well I do think it’s reasonable for someone to ask if you are breastfeeding when you’ve been speaking publicly about it online. I am by no means an expert (my baby is only 13 months), but I think you need to just do what’s right for you and Eliotte and own your decision. If you are formula feeding, just say so and own it. you don’t owe an explanation to anyone. I’ve found that when I just say upfront “she sleeps in our bed” or whatever the controversial topic is, no one says a word to me about what their opinion is on the matter. you just have to be confident in your decisions and show to others that you are comfortable with your decisions and others will buzz off about it if you have that attitude.

I have found myself in some situations where I felt like I was back in high school with other moms. And after a few times of crying or complaining to my husband it became clear to me- I can choose not to be around those people that make me feel bad about myself. there is only so much you personally can take for the sake of your child- like an annoying mother with a kid your child enjoys playing with.

The difference between high school and now is that when I was in high school I didn’t have a choice to be there. Now I make my own choices and those for my kids so if I don’t want to associate with someone anymore, I can do that.

There are certain questions you should never ask a woman- her age, weight, if she’s pregnant, or if she’s breastfeeding top the list. I don’t know what is with people today thinking they have the right to know everything about another person. It’s called boundaries people!!

Marla- you sound like a normal new mom and it sounds like you’re doing a great job. And from the pictures it looks like you’re having fun too. Enjoy it- it truly does go by so quickly.

Isn’t it possible that the other mom asked about breast feeding for any reason other than to judge? maybe she was wondering if they wanted to sneak off for a feeding session together, or ask Marla if beans give her baby gas, or maybe she has a couple unopened jars of utterbutter she is looking to get rid of.

Everyone is so worried about privacy and judgement that we are losing are ability to communicate and offer each other support.

It was her husband’s male friend that asked her, rather than a mom Ann. I think, I too, would feel that question was too personal unless I knew the asker well, especially if it was out of left field like this sounds like it was.

I agree that she has been open about her experience, but at the same time, when you have trouble and are already feeling “less than”, the insecurity can be overwhelming sometimes. We do all need to be more supportive of each other.

I have both a son & daughter,( both by the same father/my husband.) one which was bottle fed formula for one year & one which I nursed for 1 year( with formula supplement.)& guess what? they have progressed thee exact same as one another. they both had their fair share of colds, they both talked at the same age, they even potty trained at the same age to the month! so you do what works FOR YOU!

I always had to supplement formula with my son while he was nursing, because I simply could not produce enough milk to keep up with him. (I drank more water then was even recommended.I tried all kinds of natural “more milk” pills from the whole foods store, & I fed him EVERY 2 hours or at least pumped.) And my body simply did not make enough to just feed him breast-milk. so if it’s something you really want to do, you can always do both at the same time! People are so set on one or the other, when really we can do both! It saved my sanity & I was a better mom for it.

Also with first born’s it is by far the hardest. I only lasted a month with my daughter, I simply could not get her to latch on right and after a month of excruciating pain & a low milk supply, I quit nursing all together. It was the right choice for us & she thrived quite nicely off of Enfamil

It’s hard not to take it personal when both men & women feel the need to throw in their 6 cents, making you feel guilty for not sticking to it. I remember other moms making me feel as though I was a bad mother for not nursing my firstborn, it was horrible. I think women do use it as a source of competition to one-up you on whose “the better mom.” & most men just have an infatuation with the thought of giant boobs!

It was rude of that man to just come out and ask you, like it was his right to do so. Inappropriate, PERIOD. This is your life & clearly are a great mother, so screw anyone who tries to make you feel otherwise!!!

Great blog! I was one who was criticized and looked down upon for not breast feeding. I tried my hardest but I did not produce enough milk for my child. Even my DR said I wasn’t producing enough. when I stopped trying, I didn’t even have breast pain. anyway, I have 2 wonderful boys who are healthy and happy from being fed by a bottle. My youngest (who is now 9) had never been on an antibiotic until the age of 8!

I would never judge another mother for her choices. she is doing what is best for her child. what works for some doesn’t work for all. everyone was so quick to give advice but they really don’t know what you are going through with your child because every child is DIFFERENT! let all us mothers stop judging each other.

Blessed with boys you are clueless. I responded to you a couple of months ago on a similiar post – I think you are the breastfeeding police. But guess what, it isn’t necessary, the choices you made for your child is not the only choice out there.

It’s funny… your blog headline grabbed my attention immediately. As the mom of 2 young children, I found myself asking the same thing when my parenting was called into question by close friends. Close friends who thought it necessary to ‘sit me down’ and have a discussion with me on how I was parenting my daughter. I have never felt so judged in my life, by those who were close to me. That was about 5 years ago and it still stings.

We are insecure enough about doing something that we have never done before, and then to have those that are in our circle that we think that we can rely on or expect have compassion and empathy for us, do a complete 180 is disarming.

I still associate with those moms, who by the way, were first time mothers as well, but I choose what to share with them now. I have found another group of moms that are extremely supportive and much more sympathetic to parenting. I choose to spend my time with them now.

Just like that… but sometimes, when I ask if someone is breastfeeding, I just want to know if I could maybe give the baby his bottle later! I breastfed my daughter for longer than I expected, and loved it, but I enjoy the cute moment of feeding a small baby

I totally agree with what you have said. I think in this social media driven society it makes mothers (and dads I’m sure) compare ourselves to other parents and makes us question what choices we make for our children. I stopped going on facebook because of this. It made me wonder, well why isn’t my baby doing this or that yet???? I finally had to take a step back and look at the big picture. Yeah of course people will put all the good things out there but not the bad things! every parent has a right to make whatever choice they feel is right for their child!

I wasn’t able to breastfeed my child and would have if I could. its a womans choice to breastfeed for as long as she feels is necessary and it should not bother others.

It is rude to ask any woman if she is or did breastfeed her child/children in a socializing circle.

You are doing great and your child is beautiful!! Noone is mom of the year no matter how much money you have!! If your child is healthy and happy then good job!

This is so refreshing! so often I read parent blogs that are seem strident and competitive, and it really bothers me. ‘Real moms breast feed’ or ‘real moms don’t work outside the house’ or ‘real moms balance it at all’ or whatever- it just devolves into this competitive, judgmental environmental that isn’t good for anyone. Thank you, Marla, for offering another perspective!

The only thing I disagree with you on is this: “…I truly feel that no parent should judge another parent’s way of raising his or her own child.” I agree with the concept, but if another parent’s way of raising his or her kids is to beat them or neglect them, then there is a problem, and it goes beyond autonomy and worries of being judgmental.

You made an excellent point that I didn’t even think about. The Time Magazine cover….are you Mom Enough? I mean really?!!?!? I have a 21 month old son & I still worry about what others will think when I tell them that he is still in his crib or uses a pacifier. when others are a gasp at those very things.

I think as mothers or as parents we should just let the media do what it does best…create an issue where there is none. Leave the parenting & mothering to the parents. I just blogged about how inadequate I feel as a mom due to all the pressures & duties I put on myself & then to have the media also decide that I am not mom enough to breastfeed my child till he graduates college. haha

I have 4 kids. The 3 older ones were bottle fed and the 4th is breastfed. I love what you said. you really did hit the nail on the head. whose business is it how a mom feeds her baby. Nobody but mom and baby know the reasons why they choose to feed there baby breast or bottle. when you make that choice to have a baby is when you become “Mom enough”.

I love your Blog!!!!! your daughter is adorable!!

I stopped breastfeeding my son after 3 months because I has severe post partum depression and had to be hospitalized. when people would ask if I was breastfeeding (which was none of their business) I just said I had to start medication and had to stop. That made people quiet pretty quickly!

Though I never really planned it one way or another, my every intention was to be a breast feeding mom. are you kidding? A sure fire way to bond with your kid? Add to that the fact that I seemed ideally built – wide shoulders, large breasts that were meant to carry enough milk to feed a small village of kids. But despite everything I took for granted, when my son arrived, my milk just didn’t come in. Lactation consultants told me it wasn’t possible – milk comes in for everyone, in sufficient doses, all I had to do was insist. so I rented the industrial strength pump. And I stayed up after my son’s 3am and 5am and 7am feedings to pump. And I took the supplements. And I read the books. And… Nothing. Still.

Even though I kept a brave face about it, it felt like everyone was looking at me. any confidence I had went down the drain. any iota of self esteem changed into an immediate feeling of failure when I thought of this, when people asked me how long I was planning to breastfeed, then looked at me in shock when I pulled out a formula bottle. Giselle came out right around that time with a statement that breastfeeding should become mandatory, law. by that rule, my mommy skills would’ve gotten me put in jail.

I couldn’t imagine the damage my shortcomings were causing my kid, his health, his emotional well being. fast forward three and a half years. My little boy was thriving, healthier then all his friends, and our relationship was as close as could be. when the lactation nurse came into the post-delivery room to ask if I would like to start breast feeding my newborn daughter, I told her I wasn’t going to bother with it. The woman looked at me like I was insane, like I had hurt her personally and deliberately, but managed to restrain herself and walk out of the room with her eyes to the floor. This time, I really didn’t care what anyone thought of me. by the time my milk finally came in 8 days later, my daughter couldn’t be bothered with it.

All that is to say… i totally understand it. I get how you feel. how you need to justify this unimaginable choice which is hardly a choice but a necessity. how people look at you sideways, finding new unique ways to tell you, subtly or otherwise, that you are somehow damaging your kid. It sucks that everyone has judgement to pass, but what I have discovered is that not breastfeeding has its own set of advantages. Breastfeeding is not the end all to whether your kid will be healthy, or happy, or in love with you. It would’ve been great if it worked out, but despite what anyone thinks, it’s perfectly as it should be since it didn’t.

my little one is 4 weeks old & he HATED breastfeeding… which made me hate it too. i wasnt producing enough milk & he wasn’t latching well which caused screaming fits, very hard on both of us. so now i pump & supplement with enfamil gentle ease. it has made a WORLD of difference.

i know there’s supposed to be a special bond associated with breastfeeding, but i feel so much happier to see him happily eating his bottle – i think that’s a special bond in itself. plus his overall mood is better & happy baby = happy mommy!

my supply is still pretty low, but i try to give him half & half bottles. as he gets bigger, he’ll get less & less of my milk per feeding. i wonder how necessary it is to pump at all. i just worry about how his little belly will react. but all in all, i dont think there is anything wrong with formula feeding, as long as you find the right one for your baby’s tummy.

also, i think its important for mommy to be happy too, so no need to be ashamed of the choices you make for u & baby. i would hope all mommies agree

I agree, parenting isn’t a competition. I don’t have kids yet, but when I do I’m sure that I will do my best and hopefully that will be good enough.

I’m in my early 20′s, and was formula fed, and I can assure you that I couldn’t care less how my mother fed me. she was always there for me and we have a great relationship, and that’s really all I could ask for. I’m very healthy and never had any major medical issues, so I have no reason to believe that she did anything wrong.

Many people who are adamant that *everyone* should breastfeed think that their kids are going to be so much better off and that they will really appreciate it so much, but I actually don’t know anyone who is so proud that their mother nursed them, or annoyed that they were given formula. I think breastfeeding is great if mothers can do it, but they shouldn’t feel guilty if they don’t want to or can’t.

The further away from ‘babyville’ you get the less this stuff really matters. when your children are grown, say 12, and you standing around at school functions, or in social scenarios with other parents, the topic(s) of: breastfeeding, co-sleeping, pacifying, baby wearing, cloth diapering and so on and so forth never comes up. like never….ever…!

The best thing is that you will also never be able to tell which kid ‘was or wasn’t’ any of the above. they are just kids, plain and simple.

Forget about parenting labels and methods and modes. Just parent. Do the best you can, and your child will be great!

I completely agree with your opinion on the “are you mom enough” headline. Disgusting. At the end of the day, we all love our children madly and are just trying to do the best we can.

Here’s hoping your husband’s friend was just having a dumb boy moment while trying to make small talk. its no one’s business how you feed your daughter. She’s obviously healthy and thriving. Sheesh! People need to mind their own business!

Wommack’s The Art of Parenting: Lessons From Parents and Mentors of Extraordinary Americans by David Wommack is a delightful book which covers the precise details of setting an example and providing advice to children and young adults. The author quotes from important mantras developed by well known Americans like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Julia Child and Warren Buffet. Wommack sets forth a famous personality followed by mantras which apply to the person in everyday life.

For instance, Warren Buffet explained that taking children to work and involving them with the inner mechanics of the business would instill important lessons for later life. Buffet showed how his father took him to the business and allowed him to do research. in addition, his father would assemble everyone to the dinner table each night to discuss the news of the day, money and philosophy.

Buffet also spoke of the importance of teaching children the benefits of saving and investing money. Buffet had a considerable paper route as a boy and had to figure out how to deliver newspapers to the customers in the most efficient manner. this experience taught him to cast aside arrogance as a character trait and deal forthrightly with people. Warren believed that people should be able to think for themselves and support decisions with clear logic.

Wommack explains and provides examples of how parents should make every day count and serve as role models. Criticism should be slow while compliments should be more frequent and generous in nature to build confidence. Fear of failure is often a stumbling block for attempting anything important or great. Obstacles should be seen as opportunities which inspire action. Consequences of actions should be thoroughly supported with details and logic.

Wommack’s The Art of Parenting: Lessons From Parents and Mentors of Extraordinary Americans is a good primer for parents to instill values in young adults beginning at an early age. Most parents will have seen some of the material enunciated by the author but not all of it.

Just about every important situation is covered by Wommack together with short stories which elucidate the concepts in everyday practice. The presentation is politically neutral. That is, famous persons on both sides of the political aisle are cited and quoted extensively. The author’s neutral stance adds considerable credibility and objectivity to the presentation.

View the original article on blogcritics.org

Following last week’s installment of Patch Back, readers across Connecticut commented, e-mailed and approached me on the street to share their views on the Time magazine cover and attachment parenting in general.

Most who commented and e-mailed agreed with my story and shared their thoughts and experiences. others felt it was too judgmental and let me know in no uncertain terms. 

The central point, which is that attachment parenting reduces the role of the father and places unrealistic expectations on pressure-packed new mothers, got lost. One very insightful reader, BJ Forlenzo of Naugatuck, noted that using the term “help” to describe what fathers do is demeaning to dads. she wrote, “It gives the appearance that they are doing something ‘for’ you instead of ‘with’ you.”

Right on, and duly noted!

As we all know, life in southwest Connecticut has its plusses (great schools and wonderful family oriented communities) and its minuses (intense pressure and extraordinary materialism). and many parents (not just moms), anxious to see their children succeed and ready to do whatever it takes to ensure that success, extend themselves beyond what’s appropriate and — yes, I am attempting to persuade you because that’s what opinion columnists do — inadvertently put more pressure on themselves, their marriages and their kids.

We see it on the field and in the classroom and on stage. Parents don’t coach soccer anymore — we hire professionals to do it for us. Little Sally got a B in English and didn’t make it into honors math? Time to bring in the tutors! we hire college admissions consultants for Ivy League prep and attorneys when school administrators’ decisions don’t suit our desires and insist on special treatment for ourselves and our children.  

We hover over every decision, every homework assignment and every missed opportunity with the quiet admonishment “I just want to make sure you’re trying your best.”

And then we wonder why kids act spoiled one day and anxious the next.

The notion that children are a reflection of their parents has never been more fully realized than today. and while I believe that’s essentially correct — haven’t we taken our competitive parenting tactics a bit far?

I’ve heard parents stammer and offer explanations because their children were placed in grade-appropriate classes or because a child doesn’t eat, sleep and breathe soccer, as if it’s not ok to have interests that extend beyond our society’s traditional predictors of achievement. 

I bet you have, too.

When are we going to wake up and smell the coffee? Moms and Dads — but Moms especially — bear the emotional brunt of their children’s accomplishments (and failures). Why are we putting so much pressure on ourselves? Is it because — like the attachment parenting conundrum — we spent years educating ourselves and working up the corporate ladder only to have children and discover that we won’t be happy  unless we compete at that, too? and what about our kids, who may just want to sit around in their pajamas on Saturday morning and watch Spongebob instead of meet the new oboe teacher (because the old one wasn’t good enough)?

The problem is this: when we measure our success as parents by the grades our children earn or the number of goals they scored at lacrosse last Saturday we do ourselves a disservice. we have lost our perspective in our race to nowhere (have you seen the movie? you should). and yet, while most moms I speak with agree that we let our quest for achievement get in the way of common sense, none of us are getting off the treadmill. 

Well, we’re getting off right now. No more chasing — one sport per kid, per season. One extra activity if they so choose, and we will encourage creative pursuits. we will enforce limits on scheduled activities because kids need free time. we eat together every night no matter what, even if it’s at 8:30 because everybody got home late. No college advisory services — that’s what my husband and I are for. my kids may not have the fanciest resumes or the most elite backgrounds, but they will know love, hard work, respect, discipline and honesty.

And their accomplishments will be their own. 

Two college professors, Chris M. Herbst and John Ifcher, are challenging the collective, if counterintuitive, wisdom. being a parent, they say, really does make people happier than the alternative — in part because over the past few decades, those who aren’t parents have been becoming gradually less happy.

Dr. Herbst, an assistant professor of public affairs and social work at Arizona State University, and Dr. Ifcher, an assistant professor of economics at Santa Clara University, set out to critically assess the body of research that led to the generally accepted “parental happiness gap” — repeated findings showing that parents are less happy, experience more depression and anxiety, and are more likely to be unhappy in their marriages than those who are not parents.

In 2010, Jennifer Senior wrote a cover story for New York magazine, “why Parents Hate Parenting.” which provoked a collective howl of outrage — a data rebellion. how had we been conned into participating in this betrayal of our children? we are, too, declared parents, happier with our children than without.

What the two researchers found, in a paper titled “A Bundle of Joy: does Parenting really Make You miserable?” (presented at the annual Population Conference of America), suggests that the balance of happiness is shifting, and that ultimately, we who protest as parents may be proved right. but it’s not necessarily because we’re getting happier. rather, parents’ happiness has held steady over time, while the absolute happiness of those who aren’t parents responding to questions like “Taken all together, how would you say things are these days — are you very happy, pretty happy, or not too happy?” decreased from 1972 to 2008.

Why? we believe, Dr. Herbst wrote in an e-mail, “that children may inoculate parents from many social, cultural, and economic changes that have conspired to reduce most Americans’ happiness.” other research suggests that a decline in community and political involvement, a sense of disconnect from family and friends, and a feeling of economic insecurity reduces people’s reported sense of well-being, but parents “have been relatively immune to those changes.” Instead, parents, according to their presented findings, “have become relatively more likely to visit friends, to get the news every day, and to remain engaged in politics,” and even to “agree that ‘family income is high enough to satisfy nearly all important desires.’”

“Happy” is a complex construct, an ever-changing barometer, and the ultimate in subjective standards: you’re only as happy as you say you are. Do parents have an advantage in having effectively created an excuse to do the things that seem to promote feelings of happiness, like personal interactions and a space in even a small community? Economists and social scientists will surely continue to try to work that one out. but at least those of us with children can be happy with this round of research findings — though they make provoke protest in others corners. the parents are all right.