MADISON – just in time for the Mother's Day weekend, The Madison Area YMCA will host its next free seminar in a Women's Health Series, “Motherhood with less Aches and Pains,” from 10:30 to 11:30 am Friday, May 11, at the YMCA Family Center at 111 Kings …
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Wherein, in motherhood, lies “the conflict”?
On and off this week, amid the usual flow of posts on the intersection of family and culture, policy and news, the Motherlode blog is going to focus on exactly that: our own “conflicts,” as mothers, and the book of the same name: “The Conflict” by the French philosopher and feminist Elisabeth Badinter.
I’ve asked women at different stages of their family and career lives to respond to “The Conflict” by describing how reading it has affected their views or plans for work and motherhood — women approaching motherhood, women for whom work is not a choice, women who’ve chosen to stay home, women who are returning to work and women watching the stability of their marriages falter. I proposed we start from here: no judgment. There’s value in staying home, and there’s value in working outside the home, but how do we, as individual women, decide for ourselves, and how does society push us in different directions?
Between the book’s covers, “The Conflict” pits what Ms. Badinter sees as the insidious forces of natural mothering — the breast-feeding, the cloth diapering, the constant attentive enrichment of the child — against feminist good sense, which leaves room for mothers to work outside the home and allows fathers in as full and equal partners in the tasks of parenthood.
But after just over 10 years of motherhood, I find that to be a simplistic interpretation of a “conflict” I’ve come to realize I shouldn’t even expect to resolve: the one between myself as a mother, and my previous incarnations; and between my expectations of myself as an adult and as a mother, and the reality that I’ve cobbled together, which falls far short of my own ideals.
We don’t, as a society, make it easy for parents of either sex to balance the financial demands of raising children with the physical and emotional demands of being there for them as they grow up. for women on one side of the income divide, the societal pressure is to get to work as soon as possible, and the only way to “balance” a job and parenting in many fields is to quit when family needs become too intense and find a new job when the pressures have eased.
The “conflict” we’re talking about here comes mostly on the other side, in families where one partner’s job (or some other income) is enough to provide the basics of food and shelter, and so what comes next is a matter of priorities. This is where choice comes in, and we can be pretty defensive of our choices — which means that mothers at different stages of work and parenting life appear to judge one another, and harshly.
We may inflict those judgments on one another, but we’re really judging ourselves. every accusation is a self-defense, and every defense a self-justification — because no matter how we make our choices (or have life circumstances choose on our behalf) there is no perfect way to balance all of what we want when we want it. that is the biggest “conflict” of them all. to hang every choice of home over work on the pressure to mother in a certain way seems to me to be missing the pressures that would remain even in the absence of the “natural” parenting movement.
Return formula to prominence, subsidize and perfect child care, make the disposable diaper eco-friendly and even create one that changes itself, and we will still struggle with how often it’s appropriate to take Friday afternoon off to watch a soccer game. Not because we believe soccer will get our children into top colleges, or because all the other parents will be there, or because we have an inflated idea of how important our presence is to our child, but because we (even we feminists) like to be around our kids (and feel guilty when we’re not).
The desire to be as present as possible in a child’s daily life is “natural” for parents of both sexes. It’s how we interpret and act on that desire, not the desire itself, that creates the “conflict,” along with the circumstances of life — illness, kindergarten, divorce, autism, middle school — that change the pressures. those issues often still affect women disproportionately, but there’s a whole lot more than breast-feeding at the root of that, and the real solutions are best found in societal and corporate structures that make it easier for men and women both to have more flexibility within work, and more off- and on-ramps in their careers. As for the impact of the minutiae of “natural” parenting? There’s a whole lot of a family’s life to be lived after the last diaper — cloth or not— has been changed.
Is your “conflict” as much internal as external? or is Ms. Badinter right that, as Molly Guiness put it in the Wall Street Journal this weekend, “modern mothers have a serious problem on their hands, and it’s other mothers?” Speaking from a moment when my own personal and work lives have struck a good — if probably temporary — balance, and yet I still find myself working at midnight on Sunday night, and I’m often still conflicted, but I admit that my biggest problem is usually myself. you?
By Howard A. Ludwig April 19, 2012 12:12PM “Motherhood the Musical” is running at the Royal George Theatre, 1641 N. Halsted, Chicago, through June17. | Supplied Photo I have very little doubt that “Motherhood the Musical” will be a hit.
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WHEN it comes to being a mum it is much more than biology and genetics.
the miracle that is motherhood is sometimes planned, other times a complete surprise.
a woman's desire to have a baby has taken a backward step in recent years with more women choosing to wait until later in their lives to become a mum.
But for first-time mums Anne-Maree Nolan, Tianna Muscat and Samantha Mitchell, the joy of motherhood is the one job where they feel their lives are complete.
all three women are in their early to late 20s and never thought they would be mums to Liam, Kiara and Scarlette so early in their lives.
"it was never in my plan to have a baby in my 20s," Miss Mitchell said.
"Women want to live their life, go overseas and have a career."
But for Miss Mitchell, having Scarlette last year was one of the most amazing things she had done in her life.
"In my situation we had just got to a really comfortable place as us, and to throw another person into the mix was frightening," Miss Mitchell said.
"I thought, we don't know enough about each other to guarantee this was going to work.
"right now is the best time in my life. Scarlette is an amazing little person who I get to hang out with. it is allowing me to be a kid again."
for Miss Muscat the news that she was going to be a mum was a daunting experience.
"I thought, 'I am too young to have a baby, can I do this, am I going to survive this?'," Miss Muscat said.
for mrs Nolan she always wanted to be a mum and couldn't wait.
after Miss Muscat's daughter Kiara was born she said the first three months she was in survivor mode.
"it took a while to register that I had a baby to look after," she said.
"the first three months you are in survivor mode and sleeping whenever you can".
Miss Mitchell said when she became a mum she learnt more patience.
"This is going to sound really cheesy but I think being a mum has made me a better person. it has given me a lot more patience, a lot more respect for people and I see the world a bit differently now, because I have something so amazing to care for."
and mrs Nolan agreed and said it was the best job she ever had.
"I just love watching my son Liam grow plus all the cuddles and smiles," she said.
Miss Muscat said one of the joys of motherhood was when her baby did something new each day.
"you can be excited over the littlest of things, like clicking their tongue," she said.
Change in lifestyle the biggest hurdle
THE biggest hurdle in becoming a mum is the change in lifestyle.
Samantha Mitchell said it was the things you gave up for yourself, such as making your own money.
"My partner makes his own money and goes to work and gets that social interaction."
she said when she and her boyfriend were expecting their first child they sat down and worked out if they could afford it.
"We went through our finances – on paper we were fine but in reality we have to budget," Miss Mitchell said.
"Going on a coffee date or for lunch are things you don't do on a whim anymore because that money can do elsewhere.
"when I say we have to think about what we spend, we are still incredibly comfortable.
"We don't go without.
"I just don't spend money like I used to.
"you lose your independence because you are not making your own money."
Tianna Muscat said one of the biggest changes was losing your career and your body.
"you lose all self esteem, you wake up in the morning and you look in the mirror and you go 'Is that what I look like now? what happened?'."
"you have stretch marks and caesarean marks and flabby bits – but it is all worth it."
Democratic strategist Hilary Rosen’s comment that Ann Romney, the wife of presumptive GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney, “never worked a day in her life” has turned into a discussion about women’s choices, motherhood and the value of staying home to raise the kids.
“Stay-at-home mom” encompasses a lot of women. the U.S. Census Bureau says there were 5 million moms staying home to raise children in 2010; 23 percent of married-couple family groups with children under 15 had a stay-at-home mother, up from 21 percent in 2000. in 2007, before the recession, stay-at-home mothers were found in 24 percent of married-couple family groups with children under 15.
CBS’ “60 Minutes” noted in 2009 that women of real power are at the helm of government and business enterprises. “But look for the women of the next generation — the ones everyone assumed would follow in droves behind them, and you’re likely to find many of them walking right back out and staying at home.”
Being a stay-at-home mom is a choice that includes women who’ve never sought outside employment and those who have left high-powered careers to raise children, experts say.
When ABC News asked women on the street what choices they’d made in terms of working and raising children, it found a variety — and pretty much universal agreement that families need to do what works for them and it may vary with circumstance. “Let’s give people the choice to be able to do that,” said one mom.
The data don’t support the impression that staying at home is just for those who can afford the luxury, says Buzzfeed.com. It crosses economic categories and “increasingly” includes lower-income families, including those with less educational attainment who won’t get high-paying jobs to counter the costs of working, such as child care.
The decision to stay home or work outside is not casual, notes Quad City Moms Blog’s Erin Haluska. She has opted to stay home with her children. “Both decisions are very, very hard.” It’s also hard work, she said.
The Chicago Sun-Times quoted First Lady Michelle Obama on the topic. “every mother works hard, and every woman deserves to be respected,” she said.
In an opinion piece on CNN titled “Why the left fears Ann Romney,” Teri Christoph and Suzanne Haik Terrell, co-chairs of ShePAC, dismissed Rosen’s initial comment that Ann Romney “never really dealt with the kinds of economic issues that a majority of women in the country are facing.”
ShePAC is a group dedicated to support and elect conservative women.
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The conservative Concerned Women for America said this week that motherhood is “the most important job there is.” I wonder if they'll be chastising Romney for his anti-motherhood approach to poverty. Of course not. Mitt Romney.
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Published on April 13, 2012 by pmnews · 3 Comments
Erelu Mojisola Adams, wife of National Co-ordinator of Oodua Peoples Congress, OPC, spoke with AYODELE LAWAL about the joy of motherhood after waiting for about nine years
Erelu Mojisola Gani Adams, Congratulations.
Well, there is no point asking you how you feel, because definitely you’re happy. but how would you explain the joy of motherhood after waiting for about nine years for this first baby?
Very interesting, the joy, the pain and the whole thing that followed.
What is the joy and what is the pain?
The normal labour is the pain while the joy is the promise of God being fulfilled in my life because God said that you should go forth into the world and multiply, I thank God that I have brought forth my own flesh and blood. So I am happy and overwhelmed.
Your husband is a traditionalist and you are calling Jesus?
Not as you think, my husband is a traditionalist but he believes in Almighty God, so throughout my labour I was calling on Dr. Jesus and I believe so much in God.
When did you know that you conceived?
There is no way a woman will conceive and will not know, because you will see some symptoms, like in my own case I was vomiting and after some months I discovered that God was working, there and then I knew it was a reality. Mind you, I have been conceiving and having miscarriages.
Were you afraid that you might have another miscarriage?
No. I believe it’s the Lord’s doing.
Did you take some extra measures so as not to lose the pregnancy?
Yes. everybody has faith but there is no way you will not take extra care as a human being because, I felt oh! this is another chance because we thought about the years since 2003, after a long wait and people didn’t see you carrying a baby they will be asking questions such as ‘what is going on?’ at times people prayed for me publicly during functions not knowing that it is very embarrassing. at times I will ask ‘God why me now?’ each time I attended naming ceremonies, I usually used it as point of contact, because I am not barren.
Did you ever feel that because your husband has supernatural powers that is why you were unable to conceive?
No. since I got married to Otunba Gani Adams, I have never seen anything so scary, or seen anything that has been sucking blood in his possession. though he is a traditionalist, he uses charms, yes. I will not deny that, but he has nothing harmful in his possession. since I was conceiving, I knew that one day I would have a child.
Looking back nine months ago, can you recall the night you knew that, this will result in pregnancy?
No. I can’t recollect, I believe it is just natural, because, I did not take any concoction or fertility drugs, though I took those drugs in the past. but this conception was just natural. I told God to take all the Glory and I am happy. he took all the Glory.
Despite being the wife of an OPC leader, so you were disturbed?
Of course, there is no woman that will be married for that number of years without a child that will not be disturbed. In fact most of my mates, whom we married at the same time are saying that they are hanging the boot. Look at my age, I thank God because some are not as lucky as I am.
Did you have an inkling that you will have a baby one day?
Yes. Because, there is a difference between not conceiving at all and having miscarriage. So I knew that I was not barren and that it was just a matter of time.
In those agonising days, how did you cope with your inlaws or was there no pressure on your husband to marry another wife?
Well, I will give kudos to my husband because he stood by me. he always consoled me by telling me that his mother waited for seven years before he was conceived, and after him, the mum also waited for several years before she conceived again.
Did they confront you?
They never confronted me but you know the normal thing, they will not do it in your presence individually.
Do you nurse any fear that he might have kids out of wedlock before this baby?
Well, initially, I was scared because of the way an average Nigerian man behaves when he is facing that kind of challenge. but I had faith in God and my husband stood by me.
Did you ever advise your husband to settle for artificial insemination?
Yes, I did, but this baby was born naturally. In those trying times when I advised him about the artificial insemination option, he always told me that babies born that way were plastic children and not natural.
When you conceived this child, did you take extra precaution?
Yes, my husband gave me some dos and don’ts and advised me against doing any strenuous job.
When you were delivered of the baby how did you feel seeing a bundle of joy, which is yours for the first time?
I felt the normal joy of every woman. I was very happy.
Will you give the baby extra protection because of the long wait?
God will take control. God will protect my child.
I’m Fulfilled
National Coordinator of Oodua People’s Congress, OPC, Otunba Gani Adams, has finally fathered a baby boy after nine years of waiting. Adams speaks on the agonising years
Otunba Gani Adams, congratulations!
Being the leader of a powerful organisation, a lot of people believe that you should have had a child before now.
No matter how powerful you are, God is the only person that can give you a baby and he knows the time that is ripe for you to have a baby. but when my wife gave birth to the baby, I was highly delighted and I am still in a happy mood since my wife gave birth to my baby boy on Sunday. I believe that I am fulfilled in life by having a child because I know that what people are expecting from me have come to pass. a lot of people always sympathised with me any time the opportunity arose and people have been praying along with me to have the fruit of the womb and God has done it. I give the glory to God for this child. You may make progress within a short period but when it comes to child, God has a way of doing things. Even if you go to the extent of artificial insemination, God is supreme.
Is the child from artificial insemination?
No! It is natural. The baby was conceived by my wife through me. So he is not a product of artificial insemination.
While the waiting lasted, did you consult any oracle to know whether you could have a child or not?
Oracles don’t give children, but people pray to God through oracle for a child. Children are from God.
How did you pray to God for this child?
I prayed a lot in different ways through different means.
How will you describe the waiting years?
The waiting years could be described as the years of agony, the years of serious challenges, the years of trauma in different perspectives. though I could bear it, what about my wife? There was a lot of pressure from my family that we should have a child.
Were you told by your family to get another wife?
I won’t deceive you. There was pressure from my family but I resisted it. I told them that my wife will bear me a child.
As the leader of a powerful group, OPC, did it occur to you that your role could have been the cause of the delay?
Well, I’m a person that believes in the Bible, Quran and traditional world. I have lots of references. despite that, I have a strong belief that God will do it. Let me tell you, before this child, my wife had about 18 miscarriages. So it is not as if she is barren. this gave us the confidence that one day, she will give me a child.
Are you planning an elaborate celebration for the child’s naming ceremony?
Well, my plan is to celebrate my birthday with the new baby and that comes up on 5 May 2012 because we have a very busy schedule. The child will be given a name on 15 April according to the Yoruba eighth day traditional ceremony. if we have to do an elaborate naming on the eighth day, that one may disrupt some of our programmes because we have lots of programmes like seven days after my birthday, we have the Oranmiyan festival in Oyo and few weeks after that, we have Obatala festival in Gbongan on 24 May, and 4 June Kudira Abiola’s remembrance ceremony and June 12 programme among other things.
As a traditionalist, are you naming the child in the three different ways?
Oh yes! we will be having the traditional prayers in the morning, followed by the Muslim prayers and the Christian prayers in the evening.
So the child will be given three different names?
As far as I am concerned, the child will be named on the eighth day, but I cannot give you the names now. It is too early.
I am so excited to share with you our 12 Days of Capturing Motherhood Through Your Lens Photo Challenge! I have the pleasure of working with Mari from Inspired by Family Magazine who I am co-hosting this challenge with!
12 day of Capturing Motherhood through your lens. Whether it makes you laugh, cry, dance, thankful or it makes you go hmmmm…. capture these moments with your camera. It’s those little things that make you fall in love, more and more with life, your family, your children….
You can join us in the challenge for fun or to win some FABULOUS prizes! at the end of the 12 days our judges will pick the winners. More info. to come on our lovely judges and great prizes.
How to join in the challenge:
So now I will recap: take lots of pictures, post pictures on your blog, make sure each post has our challenge button, follow us, come back between April 16th-May 11th and LINK up only 12 photos, follow the prompts for the 12 days…. enjoy… enjoy, let others know about the challenge…. enjoy and on may 14th come back to see all of the winning photos.
12 days Prompts (all pictures have to be related to your life as a mom)
<div align=”center”><a href=”http://inspiredbyfamilymag.com/2012/04/09/photo-a-day-mommy-moments-challenge/” title=”Inspired by Family Magazine”><img src=”http://just4moms.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/1334305817-32.jpg” alt=”Inspired by Family Magazine” style=”border:none;” /></a></div>
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hope to see you all back here on Monday!
now on to our regularly scheduled linky–go ahead and link up anything photography-related from last week.
'Motherhood can have its difficulties, but luckily, Luca has been a great baby.' However, Hilary admitted it hasn't all been plain sailing as looking after a newborn has ruined her sleeping pattern. she said: 'I'm a bit short on sleep, but he has been …
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